Love, Or Something Like It

As the premier blogger on the intersection of animals and sex, you'd probably assume that I've seen my fair share of animals in the proverbial playpen. Well, not so much. I follow a strict Don't Trust Breeders policy. And let's face it, outside of peregrine falcons, we bi-peds have done a pretty good job of kicking the animal kingdoms sweeter breeds to those pesky invisible margins where, well, they do the dirty in relative privacy.


Thus, while I have been known to promote and enjoy the occasionally wilderness naked play, when it comes to my own personal experience with animal sex, I can only lay claim to a few hilarious incidents of, "what is this dog doing? I think its trying to play... wrestle maybe... but its muscles are so oddly stiff and its like... hugging me... oh, OH, NO! Its trying to have sex with me! Stop it!" and some lame insect peepshows. That and of course the time I saw Iguanas doing it Costa Rica.

Now, I hesitate to say this because I hate to promote rhetorics of rape -- rape is bad, rhetorics of rape are almost as socially destructive -- but the more I write about animals doing it, the more I wonder if certain dominating spirit isn't a bit instinctive.

To mate, the male grasps the back of the female’s neck in his jaws (to hold her
still) and wraps his tail around hers until he can place his hemipenis into her
cloaca. The two can remain locked together for up to fifteen minutes.
The mating process can be very tempestuous--the male more or less forcibly holds the female in place until she submits to breeding. Although iguanas have specially
thickened scales on the back of their neck where the male usually grasps her, it
is not uncommon for the male’s jaws to inflict deep bites and cuts on the
female, that may bleed freely.

Also to be noted: male iguanas have two penises. A condition known as diphallic terrata*.



*I learned this playing Trivial Pursuit. Thanks Hasbro!

Love, Or Something Like It

Meerkat "mating is a little rough", but we've already done enough on the S&M tendencies of the animal kingdom. Much more unique to the meerkat are the social structures that shape their reproductive habits. The "game" if you will.

Much like Bloods on the streets of Bed-Stuy, meerkats live in gangs to better survive their harsh desert climate. Unlike the Bloods (or probably the Crips for that matter) these gangs are highly matriarchal.

"Meerkats try, but do not usually mate for life". (sidenote: HA!)

Kits are raised communally and since a gang can't support more than one litter at a time, only the alpha female bears children. In fact to ensure that none of the other tricky bitches try and stage a hostile coup when she's weak with child, she (temporarily) kicks them out of the gang entirely. During this time, these outcasts will frequently become impregnated by males from other gangs. These pregnancies are often aborted.

If only people exercised such practical family planning.

Love, Or Something Like It

Sex is complicated. The why, the who, the how, rarely so simple as the love myths would like you to believe.

For instance a study was just released in New Scientist suggesting that primates may treat sex as a commodity, trading a good knit-pick for poon. In fact, after grooming a female the likelihood of her "engaging in sexual activity" is three times more likely than were the grooming to not have occured.

"And as with other commodities, the value of sex is affected by supply and demand factors: A male would spend more time grooming a female if there were fewer females in the vicinity."

Now, I'm not saying this study isn't highly insightful in its analysis of biological relationships. But really, do we need all the capitalist terminology? Down with the dollar!!!

Love, or Something Like It

Back by popular demand (seriously, overwhelming guys, thanks for your generous showering of support) our weekly tribute to the titallation and well, let's face it, ickiness of animal husbandry.

Now if you were silly enough to ignore the sagacity of Bob Barker surely you're asking yourself now, "what is that high pitched screech coming out of my cat? Why is Miss Kitty rubbing her junk all up on my shit? Seriously, cat! That's my toaster! I was going to eat that bagel!"

Well, friend, when you're irresponsible (who wants to be responsible anyways, its not like you use condoms either!) and don't take care of Miss Kitty's ovaries she becomes a queen!

And she announces to the world, "Fuck Me!". And the Tom Cat happily obliges.

Mounting from behind, he bites the nape of her neck while thrusting. Rough! All male cats being equipped with a barbed penis, she's bound to finish off loudly.

Seriously, I'm not making any of this up. Ask Franny Syufy, who, judging from her picture, probably knows more about pussies than cock.

Love, Or Something Like It

You know when your trying to do research on the internet -- say, hypothetically, on the sexual escapades of Blue Footed Boobies -- and all you can find is the same limited details, and everywhere you find them they're worded in such a strikingly similar manner that you can't help but think that the internet is more incestuous than the Hapsburgs and that eventually all recorded human knowledge will have originated one night out of the keyboard imaginings of a geeky eight-year-old whose parents still have him sheltered from porn? It'll all just be writ from above like the days of Moses.

And in this grand tradition, we bring you the mating habits of the Blue Footed Booby!

Blue-footed boobies have an elaborate courtship ritual that entertains onlookers. Once a male booby has chosen a mating spot, he repeatedly raises his beak into the air in a motion called "skypointing," to signal his readiness to females. The attracted female joins him, mirroring the skypointing, and he begins to circle her with high steps, flexing and extending his wings. During this dramatic dance one of the birds will place a stick or stone onto the ground, indicating the spot designated for nesting. Nests are located close to shore and are often seen by passing tour boats.

Skypointing. Yeah, I guess we kind of do that too.

Love, or Something Like It

On a purely practical level, there is no issue of greater relevance to a species than the sexing and the baby-making. And always aimed towards responsible dissemination of information and, well, sensationalism -- next week: blue footed boobies! -- we bring you our new weekly feature on animals, afterdark (or well, sometimes in the middle of the day). This week: the crane fly!

Welp, I think the picture speaks for itself. But mating itself is very important to the life cycle of the crane fly.

"Neither adult species will eat more than a little nectar or pollen during their
lifetime. They exist simply to mate and produce the next generation. .....
Something they are very good at."

After consumation, the female will plump and eventually lay her eggs (several hundred of them, Wilt Chamberlain wishes he were this potent) on moist soil or mud near open water. The whole process takes little over 24 hours and larvae develop over winter.

Hot.

Crane Fly - A Nature Observer's Notebook

Crane Fly - cirrusimage.com