Monday, February 11, 2008

Meet Deep-N-Wide

Proud son of Totally Wide Open and Casper, Deep-N-Wide is a "massive, heavy boned, stout made, powerful boar!" Billed as an "extra sound and flexible" specimen with world-class feet (?!!!), he is one of a fine stable of aptly-named and apparently virile young stud boars whose copious goods* are hocked* by Shaffer's Gold Rush and Showtime Sires. These and other purveyors of fine boar semen strive to provide the industry with genetically-superior seed* in the name of Pig Improvement.

At first glance, their online stores appear to function much like a mail-order bride catalog, but a quick browse through the photo gallery, and I'd liken it more to a cheap porn site in desperate need of a video tech.

And before your deeply-repressed feminist side thrills at the reverse sexism of it, let's revisit bird-and-bees, a la The Pork Industry.

The closest their receptacle sows in Iowa will come to the sturdy War Admiral or cheeky Wild Irish Joe is a brief sniff at whichever of their nameless locals is robotically wheeled along the pig factory floor (apparently sniffing any old male scrotum will do to rev Mrs. Pig's reproductive engine), before being artificially inseminated courtesy by farm hands via a plastic tube. So really, the names and sexy profile shots are for the benefit of Mr. Size Queen the pig farmer.

So, ummm, have at it, farmboy*


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