Aretha Your Boobs Are Huge!! They're Making Alan Greenspan Uncomfortable! (Robert Conquest, Pretty Much Diggin' It)

PETA strikes again! And this time their target, the illustrious Queen of Soul. No, not the Queen of Soul, Tina Turner, Beyonce announced prior to their recent Grammy's duet, but rather that other, bustier, Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin.

Now, Aretha was pissed when Beyonce gave her moniker to another at the Grammy awards, but not as pissed as PETA. In a statement, PETA denounced Franklin for wearing one of her many furs to the recent Grammy awards, branding her a "court jester".

Music lovers may think of you as a 'queen,' but to animal lovers, you are a court jester... Why not shed the old-fashioned look that adds pounds to your frame and detracts from your beautiful voice? Please consider donating your furs to the homeless as 'queen of compassion,' Mariah Carey, did. You'll get a tax credit for the donation, and we at PETA will all sing your praises.

BURN!!!

That's right Aretha, you shouldn't wear fur, you know why, because you're fat and it just makes you fatter. Come on, don't you want the PETA endorsement? Don't you want to be more like Mariah Carey? Come on, admit it, Aretha you've always been jealous of Mariah. Give your furs to the homeless, they're so beyond political notice it doesn't even matter if they wear fur, it's not even an ethical issue anymore. Ethics only apply when you're in the spotlight. And obviously that's where you love to be. Come on, join the skinny bitches.

Forget War on Christmas, PETA Fighting War on New York City

In a further blow to the institution of New York City, Tony Avella has proposed legislation banning horse-drawn carriages in the city, claiming it to be both cruel and inhumane. This follows a September incident in which a horse was spooked by street musicians (who hasn't been!), ran into the street, and, you know, died.

But how are tourists going to experience the real New York City if they can't be carted around by technologies over a century past their relevancy? How will we mythologize a history of industrial indulgence and Victorian romance if we can't ride behind these submissive steeds? Must we say good-bye to a world in which Seinfeld's quirky observations -- of course a horse would get gas after eating a whole can of Bean-o, its just so real! -- are still relevant?!?

According to PETA, yes!

Horse and carriages to be banned in New York - telegraph.co.uk

Who's Sophia Monk

The fiance of Good Charlotte member Benji Madden somehow makes herself relevant with this new campaign for PETA.

"There's no doubt in my mind that going vegetarian has made me feel better – not only physically but also because I learned about the suffering of animals who are raised and killed for food, and I feel good knowing that I'm not contributing to that.”

I think PETA needs to come up with a new advertising campaign. Well, maybe not.

Monk Bares All to Save the Animals - Livenews

"They say people don't believe in heroes anymore. Well damn them! You and me, Max, we're gonna give them back their heroes!"

Forget drug testing, let's hold our professional athletes (America's real heroes) to some really substantive standards. After the infamous Michael Vick Debacle of 2007 PETA has requested the NFL require an 8 hour course on animal empathy for all players.

This comes after Michael Vick recently completed this course himself. "He wished he had gotten to take this course five years ago," says Dan Shannon, a PETA representative.

This method of media salvation has most recently been demonstrated by Isiah Washington and Mel Gibson, who respectively got caught showing a "lack of empathy" for gay people and Jews. While Washington reached out to the gay community, and Gibson met with several rabbis, Washington still got fired and Mel is still detached from reality. Demonstrating this, Gibson will soon be moving his compound (personal church included!) to the outlaw region of Costa Rica, Guanacasta. One can only imagine his next movie will be a Blair Witch style story of massacre (think Lord of the Flies meets Custer's Last Stand). I, for one, cannot wait to see it!

Vick Takes Class in Animal Respect - The Canadian Press